Learning to Forgive

As a mental health professional, I am often called upon to assist priesthood leaders with those who struggle. That is how I came to meet Jared (not his real name). He was a 38-year-old married man who was "heavy laden" and burdened with care (Matthew 11:28). Jared had experienced years of disappointing experiences with the accompanying feelings of anxiety, depression, and worry.

As a child, Jared had been teased because he was a bit overweight. He had been a sensitive child, and the teasing had caused pain that had never gone away—even after he married and became a father. He recalled feeling disconnected from his peers throughout his childhood and adolescence, although he tried to fit in with others at school. He remembered even laughing along with those who teased him, only to feel sad when he was alone. He noted, "I know that it was just good-natured teasing for the most part, but afterwards I would repeat dialogues in my mind, thinking of what I should have said and of how to get even with those who were making fun of me." Though his weight was no longer a problem, these earlier feelings lingered, and he often found that the old hurts returned.

Jared became increasingly frustrated with himself as he continued to struggle in his relationships at church, in the workplace, and especially with his own family members. He knew he would take little things personally even if the person hadn't intended to hurt him. Jared would become angry with himself when he took offense too easily, and it seemed an insurmountable challenge to forgive both himself and others. In one of our meetings he said, "It becomes quite lonely when you have a battle with yourself and lose."

Jared knew that he couldn't overcome his emotions alone. He prayed earnestly that he could realize forgiveness for himself and those around him, and he started to take his problems to his Heavenly Father with increased faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As Jared gradually began to embrace the power of forgiveness, the healing power of the Atonement seemed to be reflected in his countenance. As he fully engaged in the sincere process of repentance, he found a new self beginning to emerge. The change in behavior toward himself and others was almost palpable, and those around him began noticing a change in him. Gradually but assuredly, Jared began a movement toward the mighty change of heart. Being forgiven changed to feeling forgiven, demonstrating to himself and others the power of the believing heart. He found himself being reminded of the admonition to "humble yourselves before God" and to "ask in sincerity of heart" (Mosiah 4:10).

The scriptures, which had been Jared's anchor and hope since his childhood, took on new meaning, not because the words were new but because a new Jared was emerging. He had often imagined the man he wanted to become but felt like a failure because he never measured up to his own expectations. Now he was learning to have forgiveness in his heart as he sought to forgive those who had hurt him in the past.

Jared realized that as an adult he had lost sight of the truth that he was a child of God. He had sung the song in Primary and had known the reality of it when he was younger, but he had somehow lost hold of that basic truth. He wanted that childlike knowledge to be an integral part of him again. He knew that if he once again believed he was a child of God, he could overcome the challenges he was trying to defeat. Jared remembered as a child being sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit; how he longed to be sensitive to those promptings now. He knew that having forgiveness on his mind, in his heart, and on center stage in his life would help him to reclaim that childlike trait.

One day as I talked with Jared, he related a new understanding he had gained from the story about the Lord forgiving the woman who had committed adultery. When the Lord said to her, "Neither do I condemn thee; go, and sin no more," she "glorified God from that hour, and believed on his name" (Joseph Smith Translation, John 8:11). Jared realized that once the woman had tasted of divine forgiveness, she was able to repent. Applying this interpretation to himself, he wondered if when he forgave others his forgiveness would likewise serve as a catalyst for them to repent.

From the reclaiming of the spiritual gift of forgiveness in his life, Jared shared the following gospel truths that had become important to him.